I’m sitting in a cafe, just weeks before giving birth to my second child, and I’m terrified!
My first baby has not been a baby for a very long time. He is approaching middle school age and has a high level of independence. Of course I’m still bound by his schedule, especially as a single mom, but outside of his home time I’m essentially free. He has sleepovers at his dads’ place once in a while or with my parents. An occasional babysitter (or kidsitter as he prefers) is an option when I want to be social or have another commitment. It’s not always easy but it is so much more than when he was 2 and we were first alone.
A newborn is a whole other adventure. I remember the exhaustion, the 3 am tears (mine) and the loneliness. During that time I had a live-in partner and it was spring time in Nova Scotia. It was easy to go out for daily walks. We had breaks from the indoor monotony. I had another adult to share the chores. As any single parent knows this is an absence you never quite stop mourning.
This time will be different. November here means rain, cold, wind, upcoming winter, dreary skys and knowing snowbound days are on the way. I’m also going to be alone with two children now. (Life happens)
I know the adjustment for my big kid will be tough. He’s used to having me all to himself and our treasured pre-bedtime snuggles and reading have to change. My hope is his excitement for a sibling and all the love he exudes will balance the big changes for us faster than I expect.
But newborns, oh how they are delicious! The teeny fingers alone make me lose my senses. Add the yawns, little noises, stretches, grunts, vulnerability, delicacy, and that smell… You did it too right, a deep breath in, a sigh and a remembrance?
So what keeps me going? How will I cope? Will it be terrible? Will it be wonderful? Will there be tears?
- Easy answer; I have to keep going, it’s inevitable at 9 months pregnant. Complicated answer; that may be a whole other post requiring a lot of thought and retrospection.
- I will cope how I have coped with everything else life has thrown my way, I just do. Reaching out to family and friends of course but most often it’s me on my own. The deep sense of responsibility to my children is unlike anything I can describe and forces me to rise to challenges.
- Yes. Yes. Yes. It will be all these and so many heart expanding, terrifying more things I can’t even imagine yet.
Wish me luck.